Celebrity Story: Trumped


9 November 2016: Breaking News –

Trumped

With both the Canadians and Mexicans having recently closed their borders due to the expected influx of fleeing US citizens after the surprise presidential win by the Orange Menace (aka Donald Trump), Manhattan’s Upper West Side is experiencing an unprecedented wave of suicides and failed suicide attempts.

Trumped

Trumped

Known for being one of the most liberal communities in the country, this zone – bordered by Central Park, the Hudson river, West 72nd and 125th streets – has become littered with bodies crushed by impact with pavement from five to twenty storey falls. Additionally, emergency rooms at local hospitals have experienced an influx of injuries caused by jumpers from lower floors who were insufficiently athletic as to be able to impact the pavement with their heads.

With a population of over 100,000 the catastrophic election result has approximately decimated the neighborhood. The FDNY Emergency Medical Service has called in all its members to twenty-four hour duty. Both New Jersey and Connecticut volunteers have joined their NYC colleagues in response to this unprecedented disaster.

Meanwhile the Federal Election Commission has launched an investigation into ballot fraud and widespread rumors of bribery and coercion by the Trump organization.

In another unprecedented move the leadership of both the Republican and Democratic parties have called for a suspension of the spurious election result pending the outcome of the aforementioned investigation and requested the Supreme Court to enact a special ruling continuing the administration of President Obama until the situation can be resolved.

The only positive result of the unlikely election of Herr Trump is that the country’s two major parties have at last found a subject upon which they can come to a bipartisan agreement.

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